Every once in a while, I like to dive into the internet’s swimming pool of useless junk (eBay!) and see just what kind of ridiculous Marlins merchandise people are asking you to pay money for. Well, today, I found all sorts of stuff you would only buy if you were drunk at three in the morning with nobody to prevent you from doing something stupid. Let’s take a look. Who knows? Maybe you’ll be tempted to get an early jump on your holiday shopping…

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8. IT’S DAVE MAGADAN’S FACE…ON A BASEBALL!
If you’ve been looking for a baseball with a black and white photo of a player who played 140 total games for the Marlins, boy, are you in luck! For the low, low price of $3.79 (plus S/H), you too can own one of the most awkward item in Florida Marlins history. There’s also the odd–yet so very wonderful–bonus of possibly most likely engaging in a bidding war with Dave Magadan, himself!

7. “TEAM OF THE AMERICA’S[sic]” MIGHT BE A BIT OF AN OVERSTATEMENT
One day, someone’s going to have to sit me down and explain how “El Equipo de las Americas” never managed to become the Marlins official team slogan. It just rolls off the tongue.

6. IS SANTA STEALING THAT KID’S GLOVE?
Nothing says Christmas like an oddly-dressed Santa Claus hovering over a young boy who fell asleep with his hand in his crotch. But, don’t let that deter you. This is more than a Christmas gift. When you give this to someone, “you are giving the gift of Baseball to you Little Little Leaguer.” And maybe when you’re done, you could give the gift of literacy.

5. IF YOU BUY THIS, I HATE YOU
True story: The Marlins gave away these stupid cowbells on a night when Cody Ross hit a game-winning home run and Willy Chirino performed for Super Saturday. It was also the night I dropped and broke my Blackberry when some dolt began ringing this ridiculous thing in my ear. If you buy this, please also buy a Florida Marlins toaster, plug it in and jump in the shower while hugging it.

4. SHOW YOUR TEAM SPIRIT WITH YOUR CROTCH
Remember when giant belt buckles were in? (Yes, Texas, those things did go out of style across the rest of the country.) Well, now you can attempt to bring it back with this oversized Florida Marlins belt buckle! You’re now just one black and teal Affliction t-shirt away from completing your Dan Uggla Halloween costume!

3. ARE YOU A FLORIDA MARLINS DIE HARD?
I think I know just the bloggers to get this plaque for…

2. IT’S A HOT DOG… AND A PIN… IT’S A HOT DOG PIN
What? You thought I was making that headline up? I’m not entirely sure the purpose this pin serves, or why anyone would have thought to combine these two things, but I’m kind of glad they did. This pin is all sorts of wonderful. It’ll go great next to my Miami Dolphins/plate of nachos pin.

1. THE MOST MIAMI THING IN THE HISTORY OF MIAMI THINGS
You know those hats they give out to a team the moment they win the World Series? This isn’t one of those. This is something somebody created on their own. And it’s amazing. The poor stitch job. The inexplicable colors. You can almost picture a guy selling this hat at a red light somewhere in Hialeah across the street from the lady selling shrimp. Or at Bayside.

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There you go, folks. Your Marlins Daily Late-October Early-Shopper Holiday Gift Guide. Don’t say we never do anything for you!

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